from now on my penis is your penis
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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