Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
