who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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