I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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