I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
My ass is underappreciated
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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