Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
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