why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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