dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I currently don't understand fingers.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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