Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I'm really busy with my period
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