Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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