totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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