It's like a parade of train wrecks.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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