Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
