the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
