i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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