Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
