the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
