Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
