good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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