every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
