everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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