about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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