My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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