I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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