I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
