I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
