Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
