epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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