how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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