Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
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