I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
