i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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