she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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