I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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