I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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