Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
