the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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