You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Randomize
