I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
