my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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