i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
