Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Randomize
