apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
