I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
