I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
