just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
