I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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