Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
