Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
