Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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