i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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