i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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